it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Randomize
