Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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