Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
