At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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