she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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