does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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