Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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