so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize