There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
