So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
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