his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
