New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
