I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
