i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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