Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
