I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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