wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
