I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
