there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
