I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
