Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
