so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
