tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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