She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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