thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
