Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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