I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
