I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
