I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
