Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
two words...techno handjob
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
