Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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