I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
