She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
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I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
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If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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