i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
