I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
