The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
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You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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