I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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