I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
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