remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
