my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
