If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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