when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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