We named our party play list daddy issues
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
