I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
