my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
