i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
