How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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