We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
