I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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