"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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