dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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