I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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