Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
