Im at strip club and am horny
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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