had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
