I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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