Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
