I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
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hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
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sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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